You’re Doing It All Wrong
You’re Doing It All Wrong
I new immediately. I lost him. I could see it as his eyes glazed over. The conversation had started innocently. He made an off hand comment about saving enough to retire. Of course, the usual questions tumbled out of my mouth. It was a casual get together and he had no idea how deeply I actually thought about this stuff. His plan was mishap. His asset allocation was totally based on speculation. He had no concept of the four percent rule. He was never going to be able to retire unless he was willing to change a few things. It was all going swimmingly until I said those stupid words. You’re doing it all wrong!
And then I lost him. I extinguished the conversation like throwing a bucket of cold water on the pilot of a stove. Lights out.
Goals
I have talked about the difference between limiting beliefs and excuses. Limiting beliefs are failures of knowledge while excuses are deluding oneself. This framework could be too narrow. Sometimes we have to look more at personal goals.
My friend was talking about being able to retire, but is it possible that I was completely misinterpreting his goals? He might have wanted to retire but probably not at the risk of giving up his luxurious car. Or letting go of the rush of scoring on a big speculative investment.
I was making lots of assumptions when I said those simple words.
You’re doing it all wrong!
I assumed that retirement was actually more important than those other things he was spending his money on, and that he was just ignorant. They weren’t excuses. They were choices. Decisions he made about the relative importance of different economic factors.
He wasn’t seriously planning on retiring anytime soon. He was daydreaming about how fun it would be to have his cake and eat it too. To both not work, and continue spending at a rapid pace.
There is no harm in that. Why did I feel the need to shoot him down?
Words Matter
Certain phrases have the ability to negate a person’s viewpoint. Openly declaring to someone:
“You’re doing it all wrong!”
Will immediately shut down the conversation. It pretty much accuses the person of being an idiot, and undermines the possibility that there are extenuating circumstances that have yet to be uncovered.
This serves no one. As the keeper of knowledge, you have killed the debate before even having time to evaluate or dispense your knowledge. Your fellow conversant also fails to benefit from your little talk. They neither had the ability to relieve anxiety by talking about what is bothering them, nor pose an actual question to be discussed.
A Better Way
I’m going to try an experiment. Instead of the usual, I am going to flip it up a bit.
I’ll replace you’re doing it all wrong with tell me more. Then I’ll sit back, shut up, and listen. Maybe the key to actually hearing those around you is having the patience to listen.
Most people bring up these ideas because they want to air out their thoughts and opinions. Life is much more fun if instead of interrupting them, you just relax and wait.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes when you feel like an expert in a specific field it is hard to not say you’re doing it all wrong. It’s hard to allow the “novices” time to work through their thoughts and express what they are really feeling.
Don’t make the mistake I did. Not only will you lose friends, you will also miss out on the deeper, more meaningful, and even educational discussions.
And aren’t those the point?
Most people probably are doing it all wrong…but they won’t appreciate you telling them if they didn’t ask for your advice. Even if they did ask, they’re not likely to swallow a response that makes them feel like an idiot.
Also, what’s “wrong” for one person might be right for another. Not only that, what’s wrong for one person today might be right tomorrow as circumstances change.
Good points. I am trying to listen more and comment less.
Kudos to you on your willingness to personal review! None amongst us are perfect people. We make mistakes, say and do, choices, actions, words that miss the mark. The problem is that most are unwilling to take responsibility for this, let alone take the next step to try other ways as you. And then there are those whose egos are so out of balance that they create great harm to others. That kind of arrogance is destructive, for all involved. “Tell me more” is a wonderful approach ! It respects and leaves the door open. Great practice for everyone to start in 2019…. less judgement, more respect.
I like that you mention ego. My goal is to try to take my ego out of the conversation.
It’s all about approach. The key to getting Siemens to change their position is to convince them it was their idea. Accusatory statements like you are doing it all wrong take you away from that self ownership step and makes it me versus you.
I like the idea of convincing them it was their own idea.
What makes any of us think we are doing it right? Sure we achieve a modicum of success but that’s despite ourselves and in the end we are just following a system like the card counter at a Vegas Black Jack table. Card counters actually change their odds of success from the house to themselves but it has to be done perfectly and even then it’s an odds game only slightly in your favor. It’s the system that saves us not our brilliance and delusional machinations about things like diversity. An 80/20 portfolio IS SPECULATION. It’s ridiculous speculation. It just happens to be ridiculously “normal” in this community. No professional adviser worth his salt would advise such nonsense because of the sky high risk but the DIYer does it without batting an eye, with the attitude if you DON’T over risk your a moron. How ya ever going to “retire early” if you don’t bet the farm??? And there’s the rub “retire early”. It’s the same fantasy as this guy of “having his cake and eating it to”. I really enjoyed the podcast yesterday, it was about “retiring early” and what that means. Everybody was responding to their conception of risk without directly addressing risk. Not a single person on the panel was retired. Everybody had a job. Everybody had a job because the perceived risk of going naked is too great. Listening is good. Self reflection is good. Asking “where is my plan wrong” or “is this mess goofy?” is good. It breeds humility. Then when you speak you have a rational basis on which to say something worth the listening.
I think the farther I go in this path, the more I am disposed to humility.
I am inspired by “tell me more”. It seems a little like the Socratic method. I’ve recently heard Robert Greene interviewed on his latest book “The Laws of Human Nature”. He describes something like this. To treat issues that normally stir you up as something to explore. He even described it as negative or white space that artists use to make a composition work better.
I think leading questions end up being so much more fruitful.