A Second Look at Private School
A Second Look at Private School
I have written before about how we broke the budget when we decided to send my daughter to private school. It was a hard decision, but one we felt we were forced to make. Things were going exceedingly poorly at the public school. My daughters winter jacket had been stolen. Her gym shoes pilfered by a group of “friends” and thrown in the trash. And the last straw. The kids had formed an “I hate (my daughter’s name) club”. We went to her teacher and got disappointing answers. She eventually told us that our daughter was just different and “difficult”. Her judgements in no way matched the impression of our sweet empathic child that we saw at home. Over years of public school, our boisterous and rambunctious kiddo became sullen and quiet. It’s now been a year and a half since we made the change. And I think it’s time to take a second look at private school and whether it is worth the 25K we spend yearly.
Boy have things changed.
Community
It had been so many years, we had forgotten what it felt like to have our daughter bubble over with joy. From early childhood, it was the relationships that lit her up. Yet over a few grades of public school, we had seen most of her friendships fizzle out. She was only invited to a single birthday party her whole third grade year, and the sleep over ended with bullying and frantic kids tromping all over the kindness of the host family.
Fourth grade at her new school couldn’t have been more different. She was immediately pulled into a group of girls, and was overwhelmed with parties and play dates in the first month. The kids were kinder, bullying was almost completely absent, and my daughter’s empathetic nature was embraced instead of shunned.
As the months passed, parents and teachers alike came up to us and praised our daughter for her outgoing nature and kindness.
For any of those out there who are worried about finances getting in the way of a transition, I suggest you take a second look at private school. For us, it has been well worth the money.
Confidence
There is nothing more devastating than to see your child’s confidence evaporate. We watched for years as we saw her lose faith in herself and her abilities. My wife and I went to a child psychologist to learn techniques to boost her up. We provided love and support as much as we could at home. But no matter how much we gave, we couldn’t protect her from the onslaught she received everyday at school.
Until we moved her. Her new teachers immediately grabbed hold of her willingness to help and participate, and started to develop in her the leadership mindset. She received praise for her outgoing nature and provided extra opportunities to grow and learn.
While the public school teachers could only tell us about how our daughter was different (inferring difficult), our private school teachers couldn’t stop talking about how different our daughter was (meaning a leader).
One day my daughter came home and she was the happy confident kid that we remembered before she enrolled in public school. It took her three years to mow her down at the local elementary, and only a few months of private school to build her back up.
We didn’t need to take a second look at private school, we were already sold.
Finances
There is no question it is expensive. We pay $20K tuition and donate another $5K every year. Although this appears ludicrous, there is actually a significant funding gap. Tuition only covers roughly 2/3 of the money spent on students. The rest is endowments and donations.
While this sounds like a luxury, I can assure you that for our daughter, it was life saving. Seeing her this happy, confident, and thriving, is priceless.
She actually looks forward to Monday morning. If nothing else, that should make you take a second look at private school.
Final Thoughts
Sending my daughter to private school was not a very financial independence friendly move. Yet, seeing the world of difference in my daughter, I would suggest this path to just about anyone whose child is struggling in the public school system.
My daughter has recaptured her joy and confidence not only at school, but at home also. She has been restored to the happy child she was before we entered this public school fiasco.
And it is so worthwhile. I would spend this money even if I didn’t have it. I would go into credit card debt and risk my retirement if necessary.
I would do this for my daughter.
Wouldn’t you?
FYI, if you want to hear a blog post in audio, check out my latest podcast.
And that is what many of the “private vs. public” school debates miss…..a *lot* depends on the child, and upon the public school system that you are putting them into.
There simply is no “one size fits all”.
Personal finance remains…..personal.
Yes. No “one size fits all” in education or personal finance.
I never pay attention to the frugalistas when they decry the value of private school. It depends on the kid and the circumstances. I went to a private school and remain connected to the community, even though I live out of town. My wife went to a public school and has little connection to it or her classmates, even though we live in the same town.
We have one child who went private K-12. He needed it and thrived in the environment, will have lifelong friends and a great network. I would not be surprised if he ended up marrying someone from his class or working for or with a school mate.
My daughter attends the local public high school. It is highly rated, and she likes it there a lot. She is doing well and enjoys participating in the extracurricular activities.
It depends on the kid and the circumstances. I would not let the internet “experts” influence me.
We are the same in that we have one in public and one in private. Some of these private school communities are so strong.
Okay Doc G, you need to get out of my mind and posting schedule.
I have a post about private school and my daughter that is about to come out 8 days from today (I wrote it before I launched my site I believe). 🙂
I always here about private school bashing and that it is a waste of money but I side with you that there are some things that if you can offer for your kid and can afford it why wouldn’t you do it.
Great post. Hope you check out mine when it comes out as well and let me know your thoughts.
Great minds think alike!
Both of our boys go to a private school where we pay $50K of tuition per year for both. We live in a very highly-rated public school system but it’s a really big school. There are almost 2,000+ kids per grade in our high school and although it’s considered a very good school, my husband and I refused to send our kids there. For us, we highly value the individualized attention our kids receive in the private school system (where there are only 270 kids per grade) and that $50K a year is well worth the cost. We are certain that the payback in the long-term is completely justified. We would rather pay the money now and get them prepared for college than take the risk at the public school where they may or may not learn sufficiently among the other 2000+ kids in their grade.
I agree totally. Sometimes it is just worth it.
In Canada, our public school are pretty awesome. We have known many people who went to private school and academically it made minimal difference. In terms of bullying, etc- you could have the same issues with private school. We have seen that play out locally as well.
If my kids were bullied, I would have home schooled them. It’s all very personal. Depends on a multitude of factors and like real estate, it’s probably local.
Caring parents doing what they feel is best for their children will exist till the end of time. It also exists around the world. We all just try our best. If that means private school so be it. And if you can afford it, knock yourself out.
If you truly believe in your choice then it really doesn’t matter one bit what ANYONE else says about it. A good life is not a group consensus project.
I like that. Why do we try to get consensus so often instead of doing our won thing?
It sounds like you made the right choice. You can afford to make life better for your child and you did. I think it’s worth it. Luckily, our son is doing pretty well at our public school. He complains a lot about homework and school, but every child does. The social aspect is pretty tricky.
Yes. my kids still complain about school work too. That won’t change.
Congrats on supporting your daughter. It’s what fathers do. They bestow success on their children. They bestow love, sustenance, stability, protection and boundaries. Families provide the content which their children will carry into the future. It turns out it takes three full generations to destroy a society. In Russia they tried to destroy Orthodox theology and substitute fascism, but they didn’t count on one thing, the grandmothers. The Babushka taught and cared for and dearly loved her grandchild and in that was born trust and a way of looking at the world. The religion had gone underground but was not dead. When the Soviet fell it re-emerged with a vengeance of vitality and provided sustenance and boundaries and a check against unbridled power.
My wife was a pediatric OT in private practice and she contracted to the school system to evaluate and treat pre- schoolers, the children who would be entering school in a year or two. What she found was total chaos. Bullying, mayhem, sexual acting out as young as age 5, it was all about expressing power and immediate gratification and nothing about learning. The kids were broken beyond fixing. Those 5 year olds were “moved on”, mainstreamed into the general population. Teachers are ineffective. I won’t speculate why, but given the social inputs, the outputs are pre -determined. A bright or sensitive kid will be beaten down and brain washed into compliance as the lowest common denominator rules., or they will kill themselves. The teachers show up pretty much for one reason, to acquire a pension and get the hell out. Sounds a lot like FIRE doesn’t it?
My kids are adopted Chinese orphans. Both had some LD and required extensive testing and a plan of recuperation. They had a Daddy capable of sustaining them and a mother capable of providing the content, and so rather than throw them to the wolves we home schooled. The were properly challenged and properly bounded. We created an environment where they could explore their intellects and become confident in themselves. My wife quit OT and stayed home to teach. We were part of a greater home school community so there was zero problem with socialization and friends and sleep overs. Both had sports piano ballet jazz tap gymnastics and daughter #2 went out for track. Our curricula was a great books format classical education through a vendor so we weren’t just flopping around burning out our fuse out here alone. It is a fully accredited program rand my kids graduated with 32 hours of college credit. Both of my kids went to or are in college, 1 graduated cum laude and #2 just told me she she got a 95 on her bio final and she was disappointed she didn’t get 100. #1 is starting grad school after a 6 month break and is presently employed as a Montessori teacher. They both live full and rich lives.
It cost us a lot in terms of wages missed probably $100K per year for 20 years. I could care less. I just worked an extra decade. I got plenty of money. When I adopted them I swore an oath to take care of them and I’m good to my word. The irony is 2 Chinese kids will be carrying forth classic western culture, and my wife will be Babushka to their kids training the third generation. I could care less because I have just the kids I wanted. Resistance is futile.
What comes through is that you do what you have to do. in fact you take pleasure in it when it is for your kids.
Glad it is working out for you! My Family and I are looking forward to FIRE too but in your situation we would have done the same thing, children come first, you need to do what’s best for them.
Thanks SAHD. I agree. If you take the responsibility of having kids, you kinda have to take care of them even when it gets in the way of your best plans.
Thanks for sharing your experience! Is heartbreaking to hear about your daughter is public school experience. Spending $25,000 a year is a no brainer to help your daughter feel safe, comfortable, and happy to learn!
What grade did she experience public school? And if you were to do it over again, would you just go private school route? Or was it worth the test? I wonder how damaging her experience was in public school.
Why Do you think the children are kinder and the teachers are better in her private school?
Sam
Thanks Sam. My daughter was in public school 1st-3rd grade. We actually offered private school to both our kids starting with grade 1 (they went to Montessori up till then). They both chose public school. My son is in eigth grade and has faced bullying multiple times and yet has chosen to stay. My daughter was so deflated that she decided to switch.
The experience was damaging and she still has some PTSD. She gets anxious when she runs into kids from the old school.
I think the teachers are better at the private school because they are allowed to embrace a more varied and creative curriculum. The difference, however, isn’t that large.
It’s the kids that are different. The kids are kinder, more open, and more mature. And it is a hundred percent do to the parents. The community at this school is very tight nit and everyone looks out for the kids. Bullying is not tolerated (more from the parents than the school).
Believe it or not, the families are not overtly rich. Many of the parents live in apartments so they can send their kids to private school.
As a parent you have to do what you feel is best for your children. And I believe trusting your instincts and knowing your child is a big factor into that decision.
Our older daughter had a similar situation in the third grade. A group of close friends turned on her. She was devastated .They didn’t discard any of her belongings. But, they were very mean, tormented her and were hurtful on a daily basis. But, my daughter is a very sensitive yet strong willed person. She insisted on trying different ways to try to win back her friends, or to discover what the problem was . As as a parent I found this extremely upsetting , but was supportive of her desire to work things out on her own. Her teacher was informed and was somewhat helpful. But our daughter insisted that we not go to the principal or take further action on it. The daily distresses went on for many months. Leaving her public school for a private school was never something that was even considered. By the end of the school year she had a breakthrough experience, in the form of a conversation with the one girl who was influencing the rest of the group. After that our daughter moved on and found a new circle of friends. She’s in college now; no surprise a psychology major / education minor. Every child is unique. There’s no right or wrong here. Just choices.
Yes. Just choices that sometimes break our heart. But as parents, we do what we have to do.