My Deal With The Devil
My Deal With The Devil
I made my deal with the devil at eight years old. I had no idea what I was doing. In one fell swoop I mortgaged my youth, my rest, and, at points, my sanity. I don’t know the exact time or date. But it happened somewhere around that time. It was not a conscious decision. There was no visit from an enticing stranger offering the world for my soul. The decision was much more subtle.
The devil offered much for what seemed like a reasonable price. How can a child make such decisions? Even as an adult I cannot say if I would take the same deal over again. As the years pass, certainties become more elusive. The gray takes over where once black and white sufficed.
That’s right. When I decided to become a doctor, I made my deal with the devil.
Was it worth it?
What the Devil Gave
I could write books outlining all the positive ways my deal with the devil has impacted my life.
Meaning. Everyday, I go to work and do something meaningful. I become a part of other’s lives. I have the great opportunity to step in at the appropriate time and give exactly what is needed. There is no greater sense of purpose on this earth than helping our fellow man. No greater sense of achievement than reaching out to a tortured soul and offering relief and assurance.
The devil granted this opportunity in spades.
Financial Independence. Since this is a personal finance blog, let’s not forget the money. As careers go, being a physician offers substantial financial rewards. In short order I have been able to develop a main hustle and bevy of side hustles purely based on my profession. My skills translate into so many different professional categories. A range of businesses could benefit from my skills if I want to consult, or ever decide to become an employee again.
Freedom. And let’s not forget freedom. I have the freedom to run my business, set my own hours, and steer my own ship. I could not think of a career path more suited to my specific needs and interests.
What The Devil Asked For In Return
It was a steep bargain, my deal with the devil, that I made at eight years old. He offered everything but asked for even more in return. As mentioned above, the benefits are wonderful. The costs, however, remain a struggle.
Youth. I gave my youth to this profession. I suffered through four years of college, four years of medical school, and three of residency. These were tense, anxious years often bereft of sleep. I sacrificed friendships, relationships, and the carefree attitude of my peers.
Even after finishing my training, the sacrifices continued. 12 hour work days followed by late night phone calls. Missing out on trips out of the country and leaving early from family get togethers. I might not have been resident anymore, but I was sure living like one.
Patience. Before medical training, I considered myself patient, kind and considerate. Years of fighting tooth and nail, at all hours of the day, with people who are wrestling for limited resources, has ruined me. I get inpatient at the drop of a dime. I stomp my feet like a toddler, cringe, and force my will on those around me. While this works great at 2am in the hospital when one of your patients is dying, it is rather frowned upon in the grocery line. Unfortunately, it is only after I have made an ass of myself that I realize the difference.
Innocence. When a person dies, and you look down at your own hands and feel responsible, something breaks. It’s your innocence. Your life will never be the same. The beautiful dream of rushing into the room and saving the world disappears. That hope that carried you through all those tough years of medical school shatters right there in your face.
The devil is a cruel, cruel soul.
Was It Worth It?
Yes. For the first time in years I am going to say it. It was totally worth it. I wasn’t sure about it until recently. As I slowly withdraw from the practice of medicine, I see what an utter privilege this all has been.
Am I a little beaten and bruised?
For sure. I’m still trying to sort out what all the suffering I have seen (and occasionally felt) means.
And of course, if I figure it out, I will share it here with you!
How about you? Have you made any deals with the devil? Did they get you where you wanted to go?
You know I had this conversation with my spouse the other day. She felt bad at how easy some opportunities have flowed to her recently over he friends. But both her dad and myself pointed something out. While her friends went to party colleges and lived it up, my wife (and myself) went to engineering colleges and busted our tails. We didn’t have to do it, But we traded pain then for an easier time now.
Thanks FTF. Front-load the sacrifice. That’s what I say.
I’ll be curious how future generations of docs feel about this trade-off. The “golden years of medicine” which I look at as the 80’s or so has long been gone by the wayside. My father was an internist practicing back then. Didn’t have to deal with the hoops insurances/government mandates have placed on medical practice today. A physician was more respected back then (I heard of stories where every nurse would stand up whenever a physician came on the floor to do rounds). As medical school tuition/debt rises and likely continued expected cuts in reimbursement continues there is going to be a breaking point where America’s best and brightest turn away from careers in medicine to pursue something that doesn’t require so much sacrifice, have so much risk for litigation, and has better compensation. Where I am at in my life now it would be still worth it to do it all over again knowing what I know now, but that answer would be likely different in a couple decades from now if I had to just start a career in medicine
I agree. When I started, it still felt like the good old days, That ship is sinking fast.
Great perspective, but not my story. I never wanted to be a physician mostly because of pre-meds. I TA’d college physics for a while and they could care less about the knowledge, just tell me what’s going to be on the test! I figured who would want a bunch of pricks like that as colleagues. I eventually made my way into engineering with another side gig teaching electronics at another college and doing some consulting on the side. Life happened and I decided I needed a better income. I already had the credentials needed for med school in spades so I studied for the MCAT killed it and applied and got accepted. I was the old geezer in the back of my med school class. For me I realized Med school was about being molded and shaped. It was about being the clay. If you let them mold you and shape you, you would come out the other side being what you needed to be and they would not let you proceed without being well formed. So I just let it happen and engaged the process. If you were Mr “what do I need to know for the test” you had a crappy time because you need to know the impossible, you “need” to know everything with some level of intimacy and that is taken care of just by letting the molding happen. So except for the pre-meds I had a great time in med school and a great time in residency. I did stuff in residency I still don’t believe I did. It was amazing. Eventually the pre-meds said uncle, and were molded just the same as everybody else and came out the other side well formed.
I had a great time working with patients and staff. I made a difference. I had a necessary skill set and I was good at it. I was my own boss so I learned about business and contracts and staffing and conflict. I reliably pulled the wagon. After 28 years of pulling the wagon, I was well worn, wealthy and ready to spend my time doing something else, so now I do something else. One of my surgeon friends who was 20 years my senior when he retried, told me “don’t wait too long”. I would see him over the years and he was having a great time and I understood there is good life after medicine and medicine is not something to be grasped. It is not something defining. It is something to be practiced and then something to be relinquished, without your finger prints squished into it’s boundaries. I got 28 years in my rear view mirror and who knows what I will have tomorrow. Devil didn’t get my twenty dolla’ no sirree. How does it go “If I get home before daylight, just might get some sleep tonight”
I keep on trying to say something intelligent in response to this and I come up with one word…Yes.
Yes!
Interesting perspective Doc G. I’ve contemplated the tradeoffs before, but not in the guise of making a pact with the devil. I think physicians undergo a rigorous education and training period which is little understood by the general public. That’s the front loading and sacrifice you speak of. But I don’t think it is limited to physicians. Most professionals endure some sort of sacrifice to get to where they are. Youth, patience, innocence. And still they may not achieve the promises of fulfillment, freedom and riches. In Silicon Valley where I live, the techies bust their hump, are “working” at all hours of the day, and have to travel for work and leave their families behind. There is uncertainty of employment and that uncertainty causes a lot of stress. Most people pay this price for a “chance” at financial independence, freedom, and meaning. As physicians we are blessed that we have a very high probability of actually reaching those objectives…. if we don’t f’ up along the way.
As physicians, we certainly have a high probability of success. We are lucky. In every professional career, there is much sacrifice in the beginning.
This is kind of another angle to the “front loading” of the career. So maybe I made a partial deal with the devil too, but not to the degree that you did as a doctor. I did work some 100 hour weeks and deploy to combat zones and third world countries, but some of that, while exhausting, was also adventure.
Combat zones? Do tell more!
You made a deal with the Devil but in return received a gift from God. The gift of healing and making a positive impact on people’s lives. It is a unique gift that only comes with the noble profession of being a physician. It’s a great responsibility that I don’t take lightly. It’s a deal that I would make again if given a choice.
I think the term gift fits. I realize that more as I consider RE!
I went to Med School on a dare. I was in a paraprofessional program and kept running into med students who kept telling us it was sooo hard to get in and the work was sooo hard. I had great marks, so I applied and got in. Well it wasn’t nearly that tough (I think my med school was less competitive) and I consider it a privilege to be a doc still. It helped that I had minimal preconceived notions going in. I seriously thought doctors made 30K a year. I had no idea. It is still wonderful in Canada as most of us are still in private practice. I understand why my husband chooses not to stop yet. The money did flow from just trying to get more competent at our profession.
Med school on a dare-I love it. Sounds like it served you well,
I think you’ve been able to do so much with your life helping other people and it’s good to know you believe it was all worth it, no matter how hard it was! It’s interesting to get other professionals perspective on their careers and what they gave up in order to do what they love.
Thanks Scott. The great thing about this community is the varied experiences and paths to success.
A deal with the Devil. In some ways I agree. I finished residency on my 30th birthday. What happened to my 20s?
I know, right?
Love the Faustian reference. I would do it again, but would do many things differently.
Thanks. Me too! I would have spent more time building my own private practice from the beginning.