Confronting Inner Demons
Confronting Inner Demons
I used to think financial independence was solely about strength. It is the strong move to make to take control of resources and free oneself from the burden of the indentured servitude of the 9 to 5 workday. How else to build a life forged in meaning and purpose? This makes sense. Especially before reaching the mountaintop. It is only now, with both physical and emotional energy to breath, that I realize it is also about weakness. Weaknesses. No matter how much wealth we have accumulated, the path to happiness lies with confronting inner demons.
I have never had the bandwidth to pursue such an expansive undertaking until now. Free from the mire of artificial busyness, I am finally present enough to evaluate this journey, and forge where the path leads next.
It Was Never About Money
It was never about money. Although it often felt like it was. The once I have syndrome was in full swing.
Once I have:
Money to max my pension.
Resources to build an emergency fund
25X my income saved up in investments
etc, etc, etc.
The list was long but the goal was always the same. More and more money. But the cruel trick of financial independence is that you are the same person after reaching it as you were before. And riches alone never really made anyone happy.
It was never about money. It was about confronting inner demons. But who would have known that?
Money As An Excuse
On the path to financial freedom, money becomes and excuse. An excuse to ignore all the real hurdles in your life that are keeping you from contentedness and inner peace (not a big fan of the word happiness, but you get the idea).
It is much easier to confront the lack of funds in the bank account than the unsteadiness of the goals and dreams that swish around inside of you. FU money becomes a focus. Or a certain safe withdrawal rate. Accumulation migrates from a process to a goal.
And meanwhile regrets stay the same. Lack of confidence, or depression, or a inability to effectively communicate and act on your needs remain. The true drivers to fulfillment are almost never made better by your asset allocation.
It is only with confronting inner demons that the true power of personal financial responsibility comes to play.
Endings and Beginnings
Reaching financial independence and starting my half retirement were an ending of a sort. They were dotting the last i’s and crossing the last t’s of my childhood fantasy of a career. They were letting go of the ties that bound me to an unhealthy way of pursuing meaning and identity. A way that was so ingrained into my being that it took years to extract myself.
Yet, it also is a new beginning. Because instantaneous happiness was no more forthcoming than it had been a few days before I left. To find peace, I still had the big job of confronting my inner demons ahead of me.
The Achievement Treadmill
For me, it is clearly the achievement treadmill. Growing up with a learning disability and losing my dad at the age of eight have left me with hole that I have repeatedly filled with accomplishments. Maybe if I just achieve more it will make me feel more worthy. Worthy of a father’s love.
But it won’t. A life’s worth of achievements haven’t solved any of my issues nor has financial independence.
Now I spend my time soothing the flames of accomplishment. Trying to exist in a world where I fill my time with activities that have a less defined end in mind, and search for joy in the moment.
I am trying to let go of public acknowledgement and external rewards.
That doesn’t mean that I am not pursuing new projects or creating new things.
I am just confronting my inner demons. On the sideline. Quietly.
Something I probably would never have had the energy to do if not for financial independence.
One of my favourite posts that you’ve written. I think it draws together an undercurrent that was visible in a number of the posts you’ve written recently.
Essentially, the closer one moves towards financial independence the more one’s non-financial weaknesses (or demons) are forced into view.
I’m not sure whether it’s better to be struck by this realisation during half retirement, like yourself, or at 30, like myself. On the plus side I have more time to slay the demons. But I also can’t labour under the (blissfully ignorant?) delusion that FI will fix all my problems.
Ultimately, I’m forced to recognise that beyond covering life’s essentials of water, money and food, the money doesn’t really matter when it comes to pursuing happiness.
HH
In my humble opinion, the earlier you start working on your demons the better.
From a psychological standpoint, one of the easiest ways to live is to go to work every day because you have to. It’s the best excuse in the world for putting everything else (dissatisfactions and dreams) on hold.
Very true. But also very unsatisfying.
When I walked away from Medicine I walked away. Medicine became how I spent my past. I didn’t live in that drama anymore and very shortly had no desire to return. I soon lost contact with people I had spent decades in daily contact because I was now living in a different completely separate drama and there was plenty to keep me engaged in the new drama, while their drama, the drama I left, continued on unabated. Accumulation of money was no longer relevant. My transition plans were well established during the preceding decades regarding Roth conversion and spending a period of implementation and deployment of the plan I had developed. The plan actually deployed better than I anticipated. As time went on I turned my attention to other things, the things that interest me, virtually relieved of any need to make more money. Making money is fine in its time but when that time passes it’s just a pain in the ass. Got better things to do before I die. If you don’t “get” what I just wrote you’re NOT financially independent. If you don’t “get” what I just wrote you may just as well keep turning the money crank at the high paying job until you do “get” it. If you can’t embrace the divorce from work as a money making venture you will merely replace the last “job” with some new variant replete with the same pathology.
Do you think it is different for people in their forties and thirties than for those in their sixties and seventies?
I think it’s a free country and people can do what they like. I also think people BS themselves into “believing themselves” to be “FIRE” but due to the inherent and inescapable risk of wasting 25 years of human capital and the need to fill 50 years with income, are unable to actually live FI, so they just get another job for that 25 missing years until the risk abates enough that they can tolerate it. Owning leverage is inherently dissonance producing and 50 years is a long damn time and requires a lot of leverage to finance and it’s obvious despite any nursery rhyme you tell yourself about 4 x25 or what ever. All of it works for me but I think it’s healthier to just be honest about what’s happening in your life than live the blogoland boiler plate about being a “real estate barons” or what ever. My experience is merely a data point about what happens when you actually retire. Not that much is written about the financial reality of that, it’s mostly about how to “get there” while still under the security blanket of the W2. Your recent podcast about advisers glaringly points out how woefully inadequate DIY investing is when it comes to end game planning. It’s interesting to me to see many of the changes in perception I went through with full retirement sneak into your thinking as you live semi-retirement.
There is a big difference between working part time in retirement out of fear and working part time because it is fun. I spend about equal amounts of time on nonpaid volunteer “work” and in paid consulting. The simple fact is paid work, where I’m the expert, is loads more fun than the volunteer stuff where I’m truly helping my fellow man. Why? Well it is fun to earn a lot of money for a little work, even if you do not need it and do not have money fears. And it is fun to be an expert and have people defer to your advice. And it is fun to just be able to focus on problems with zero red tape and personnel issues. If you do it right you can carve out that little bit of your old career that brought you joy and only do that, at least that’s how it has felt for me the first three years of my retirement. I also do a lot of volunteer work because it is important and necessary but it isn’t nearly as much fun.
Hey DocG,
I think you are finding that the lifelong journey is one that we have with ourselves.
May you travel this road with the patience and care required.
There is no spreadsheet for this part of our lives.
Best wishes.
Well said!
Brilliant post! Love the work you are doing here and the What’s Up Next podcast. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic.
Thank you and thanks for listening!