Financial Intimacy

Financial Intimacy

I have to admit that I am a little tone deaf when it comes to certain topics. This might because my spouse and I met so young. When you are at the beginning of building a life (together and otherwise) there is little thought about who owns what. It’s not that we had nothing. I had some inheritance and my wife had school debt. We just didn’t care. We saw financial intimacy in the same light as we did all the other intimacies of love and marriage.

From an early stage, it was us against the world instead of against each other.

Before Marriage

We started to combine well before marriage. Not the bank accounts at first. But we certainly combined living expenses. We shared an apartment and often paid little attention to who was covering the restaurant bill.

We found that as we became closer to each other emotionally, the financial intimacy naturally followed. If I was sharing my hopes and dreams, living space and meals, mind and soul, with my soon to be spouse, then why not my money.

There was no question about disclosure as we got closer to marriage. By that time we were both quite familiar with each others finances. We knew how much we spent, how much we owed, and our orientation to budget.

Although we both had some separate assets prior to tying the knot, we never seriously considered a prenup. At the beginning of our careers, we knew that the wealth we built together would be far in excess of that in which we brought to the marriage.

Marital Bliss?

We made our finances as simple as possible once we were married. We opened a joint account, and each used it or the credit card as needed. There was never a momentary pause to consider separate accounts. I had no concerns over what my spouse was spending on nor she for me.

There was immediate financial intimacy and knowledge. Within the first decade of marriage, we had each taken turns managing the personal finances for stretches of years. There was complete disclosure. No surprises hiding in the corners waiting to jump out at us.

A Step Further

Early on in my career, I knew that my profession posed unique strains and risks on our finances. Unlike most professions, medical liability can carry over from a corporate entity to one’s personal assets. Because of this, physicians spend some time setting up systems to protect assets as much as possible.

There are several mechanisms to do this. One’s home, for instance can often be protected from a malpractice settlement. In many states, retirement accounts are also usually left alone.

In an act of complete financial intimacy, we decided to allow some of our assets to remain completely in my wife’s name instead of becoming jointly owned.

Although a smart move legally, this (for me) was the ultimate vow of trust and surrender. I was placing my economic well being in the hands of my spouse. For better or worse, I was allowing myself to let go of the financial control.

I take the institution of marriage quite seriously.

Final Thoughts

I never thought much about financial intimacy. I placed it in the same category as physical and emotional intimacy. All three are essential to a healthy marriage.

Thus, there was never a question how we would manage the finances. Never a question of how many bank accounts to have. We did everything jointly. I, in fact, have put myself in a more vulnerable position at times when it has seemed prudent.

It’s worked for us so far.