Lack of Empathy
Lack of Empathy
I have been struggling with a concept lately in regards to the financial independence community. I have found nothing but the most kind and compassionate members among its ranks. The love that pours out on the page is clear and undeniable. We generally tend to be an all inclusive group ready to celebrate the diverse paths which have lead us to financial freedom. Yet, I wonder if we also suffer from a lack of empathy.
We are quick to celebrate the most successful of our ranks, and just as quick to decry those of us that fail. We seem to be most compassionate about those who overcome, and and less understanding of those who come undone.
Hardship is best accepted at it’s conclusion.
Frugality Fails
Regardless of what anyone says online, frugality is hard. It takes a certain amount of will, smarts, and luck to save consistently. As far as numbers go, there have been many more failures than successes. This is not a moralistic argument, it is the plain hard truth.
Yet, we lack empathy when we openly discuss our slips and missteps. How many people get shamed for buying an costly car or going out for an expensive dinner? Even paying full price for college tuition is frowned upon.
It seems that decisions that don’t perfectly align with the financial independence dogma are anathema.
Money Earnin Mount Vernon
It’s not just the frivolous spenders. The high income earners also occasionally are the target of wrath. The financial independence playbook calls for frugality, side hustles, and doing it yourself. There are, however, a sizable group (Doctor’s included) who got here by earning a bucket load of money.
I feel like, sometimes, this contingent is tolerated though not celebrated. It is fine to earn big bucks as long as you don’t talk about it. Unless you did it with a snappy side hustle, web site, or real estate venture.
But if you did it by excelling at your good old W2, best to keep quiet. There is a lack of empathy for the W2 crew.
Financial Independence/Retire Never
Although we talk about the changing view of retirement, there is still this belief that to be credible, you need to make next to nothing in retirement. The lack of empathy is clear. If you run a successful online business, blog, or side hustle once you have left traditional work, then you are somehow discounted.
Don’t listen to him! He is not really retired!
Somehow the path to financial independence or the story becomes less effective when these facts come to life. Still making money makes one less legit.
Why Does It Matter?
So why doe sit matter? Why does this lack of empathy concern me? There are a few reasons. Mostly, communities form around shared belief systems and actions. We like to hang out with each other because we speak the same language, and have a common reference point. Maybe I haven’t lived your debt story, but I can intellectually understand the path.
But true communities have something more. The have empathy. It is empathy that truly binds communities. The ability to walk in someone else’s shoes for a time period, and see the world through their eyes.
When we fail to do this something is lost. When we spurn those that are different from us, those whose messages don’t immediately resonate with us, we fail the litmus test of community.
And instead, we become just a disconnected group of unrelated people.
Empathy is The Force.
For sure. An important force for change.
“When you laugh, the whole world laughs with you. When you cry, you cry alone.”
Replace “laugh” with “succeed” and “cry” with “fail” and there you go.
Compassion is always at a premium, maybe more so these days!
But why? WHy does compassion have to be at a premium?
“We seem to be most compassionate about those who overcome, and and less understanding of those who come undone.”
>Everyone loves an underdog; a story arc of a fall from grace (or the path to grace) is far less satisfying. Unless it is felt that the fall is in some way deserved (and even then I’d question the state of mind of an individual that rejoiced in the financial fall of another).
“Yet, we lack empathy when we openly discuss our slips and missteps. How many people get shamed for buying an costly car or going out for an expensive dinner? Even paying full price for college tuition is frowned upon.”
>This is an interesting and complex phenomenon. In part it may be what is expected (‘keeping up appearances’). People who believe that they are supposed to be seen to be ‘good with money’ may feel compelled to shame others who do not fit into that stereotype. I think there can also be a deliberate lack of empathy on occasion. If one is trying to be frugal and save money, they last thing one wants to do is empathise with the thrill and excitement of an expensive purchase (to do so would only serve to highlight experiences that one is intentionally removing from one’s life).
“It seems that decisions that don’t perfectly align with the financial independence dogma are anathema.”
>I think that the forum for much of this discussion, the Internet, doesn’t help either. A place where lives are filtered and airbrushed to perfection, people are presented as caricatures and lives are presented as memes is not a place that will be conducive to fostering empathy.
“It is fine to earn big bucks as long as you don’t talk about it.”
>There is a distinct lack of empathy here, perhaps there is an element of jealousy also. But, is this surprising. The vast majority of people will never earn ‘big bucks’ or even have proper in depth real life interaction with a person that earns ‘big bucks’. If empathy is the act of ‘placing oneself in another’s shoes’, is it surprising then if one strugges to empathise with a person who lives a completely different life from your own. I also think that it’s easier to empathise ‘down’ rather than ‘up’. By this, I mean that a person may find it easier to empathise with someone who earns less than them rather than someone who earns vastly more (precisely because that person is likely to have earned less themselves at some point in the past also – they can draw on their memories to empathise rather than engage in the more challenging exercise of using their imagination to empathise).
“Although we talk about the changing view of retirement, there is still this belief that to be credible, you need to make next to nothing in retirement. ”
>I think this is partly to do with the baggage associated with the word retirement and how it is typically viewed. I think this is why I prefer the term ‘financial independence’, which I feel doesn’t carry so much baggage. Yes, there is a lack of empathy from the ‘Internet Retirement Police’, they are not necessarily thinking deeply and honestly about how they would spend their time if they were early retirees. But there are a whole host of other considerations driving criticism of earning retirees: suspicion, paranoia, fear. Suspicion that the retiree is telling a lie, that they’re not really retired at all. That early retirement is a myth. Paranoia, the math and the markets are all a mirage, that without earning the retiree would run out of money. Fear, that perhaps one will not have enough money in one’s own retirement. Easier to tear others down than build oneself up…
“But true communities have something more. The have empathy. It is empathy that truly binds communities.”
> Yes, I think this is a good observation. Although I believe we all walk through life in our own bodies, in our own heads, ultimately alone. Empathy allows us to walk alone through life connected to others. It allows us to walk through life alone together. And that makes empathy worth fighting for.
The internet amplifies the lack of empathy and these “air brushed” images are destructive.
People can get so caught up trying to follow their own path to FIRE that they can forget that each person’s path can be as personal as their DNA. What’s right for me may not be right for others.
I have found in my short experience in twitter that people MAY prefer the echo chamber rather than an open forum.