The Spousal Divide

The Spousal Divide

We know that fights about money break up marriages. Usually they center around the absence of this precious commodity. In the financial independence community, however, we end up with quite the opposite problem. Couples who have found a way to amass wealth often don’t agree with what to do with it. Many recent financial freedom converts run up against a wall that they didn’t see coming. A life partner who doesn’t exactly connect with this new passion. A rift forms. The spousal divide ensues. Both individuals may indeed believe is many of the same principles.

They just may not be in the same place emotionally. And this causes distress.

The Rabbit Hole

Most anyone reading this blog has fallen down the rabbit hole at some point or another. After a long day of soul crushing work they have googled some version of the question: How do I retire early? or How do I get out of debt?

It doesn’t stop there. This is usually followed by days, weeks, or years of intense study. A financial plan congeals in an overly excited mind. The result is an overwhelming sense of purpose. Plans are made to sell cars, downsize, and even move to a new city.

Cutting costs and making more become the prime directive. And it feels so good. All of the sudden the crushing pressure of economic insecurity is lifted from the backs of the weary.

There is one point, however, that gets lost in the excitement. Only one person has made this journey, and yet two people will have to live with the consequences. In the rush to become, the spousal divide has been forgotten.

And there will be a price to pay.

Beginnings, Middles, and Endings

I don’t think the problem is with the idea of financial freedom itself. I mean, who wouldn’t agree with such a concept? The issue is the speed in which each person arrives at this conclusion. The one who acts as the discoverer (we will call the pusher) has come upon this unique path created by the exact right set of circumstances and timing.

The pusher came to the internet searching for answers after a particularly trying event (usually). They are mentally and emotionally ready for the answers that they will soon find when they stumble upon Mr. Money Mustache, Dave Ramsey, Robert Kiyosaki, or whomever.

This readiness and that the deep dive that ensues quickly moves them through the beginning phases, and lands them distinctly in the middle or even at the end of their emotional journey.

The spouse (we will call the resistor) has not been allowed to discover this path on their own, or given the time and space to think it through. They are not at the beginning yet. They are a few steps even further back.

And now the resistor is feeling intense pressure from the pusher to radically change their lives. So what do they do? What any normal human being would do. They resist.

Thus you have the spousal divide.

Solutions

The only way to bridge this divide without horrible marital discord is to slow down. The pusher needs to walk back the pace a little, and look towards long term goals. They shouldn’t let go of their dreams. They just need to give their spouse the chance to catch up.

The resistor needs to learn how to resist the pace, but not reject the ideas out of hand. They have to open up themselves to the journey, start with an appropriate beginning, and commit to the idea of progression.

Time. It just takes time. Understanding and courage.

Final Thoughts

If you want spousal buy in, you have to overcome the spousal divide. In any relationship there is naturally a pusher and a resistor. Some would say that they are an equalizing force that balances a relationship.

Most people eventually choose financial independence. They just have to get there at their own pace.