Family Is Not My Why
Family Is Not My Why
There is no doubt that I was bringing my family down. That my schedule as a physician with a very active nursing home population caused all sorts of stress on our life. But it would be a mistake to say that they were the reason that I am pursuing this financial independence lifestyle. I know this is controversial, but I am going to come right out and say it. Family is not my why. Although I love spending time with my wife and kids, this was never the impetus for my half retirement.
I know. I know. First I proclaim that traveling is not my why. Now I am saying the same thing about family. What kind of horrible person am I?
Let me explain my reasons, and then I guess you can decide for yourself.
It Was Never Either Or
As a physician, I had one of the busiest professional lifestyles possible. At times in my career I have taken care of over two thousand patients. I have visited them in their homes, in my office, at the hospital, and in rehab facilities.
This type of work is quite time consuming.
Yet even during the worst of my professional obligations, I was always able to be present for my wife and kids. maybe I had to get up super early in the morning so I could be home by the time school was out. Or I had to stay up late after they were asleep. Mostly I kept my mobile phone handy, and both worked and played at the same time.
It was not perfect. Some days were worse than others. But I hope that I didn’t have to realize financial independence to be a good husband and father.
I think you can do that in even the most demanding jobs if you put your mind to it. If I ever thought that work was getting in the way of being a good family member, I would have changed to a less stressful position long ago.
Family is not my why. Not for pursuing financial freedom at least.
You Can’t Live For Other People
Again, call me what you will, but I think each person needs to develop their own purpose and identity. And I find it hard to believe the end product can be someone else. We innately strive towards something. Whether it is science or art, creation or destruction, music or baking. There always is something out there, besides other people, that makes our hearts sing.
In fact, having passion and goals makes you a more involved and better family member. You feel a better sense of self and confidence. This confidence improves your ability to love and appreciate those around you.
Family is not my why. If it was, what would I have to offer besides an empty shell? There would be no substance.
Letting Go
Part of being a loving adult is giving your spouse and children the space and freedom to grow. It’s letting go. You can’t demand all their free time nor expect all their passion. Relationships evolve.
When my kids were very young, all they wanted to do was be with me. Now they are teenagers (at least one of them is). We may be sitting in the same house, but we are far from hanging out with each other. They have their friends, and hobbies, and rooms to retreat to. And this is part of the individuation process that is necessary for growth.
Family is not my why because as my kids grow older, they have better things to do.
The same can be said for my wife. Even in the midst of two busy careers, we still had time to exercise and lounge together. Most weekends we never left each others sides.
Now that I have reached my half retirement, it would be unfair to ask for more of her time. She has work, and friends, and other activities that help her pursue her own purpose and identity.
Final Thoughts
I hate to admit it, but family is not my why for financial independence. I love my family and value each moment spent with them. But to be a contributing part of the whole, I also need to develop my own interests and projects. Furthermore, I have to give them the freedom to pursue whatever makes their hearts sing without being encumbered by me.
I think it is better this way.
Interesting perspective. You have shot down the two biggest reasons most people give wanting to pursue FI, travel and family.
I have to say that if people asked me what was my driving force I would be more with the common line of thinking and say the same.
Well I anticipate there will be a post which reveals what was the reason for you for FI. The last of the big 3 I can think of is for your own health and sanity which is a noble reason as well
I talk a little about it here.
https://diversefi.com/2018/11/21/creation-is-my-why-2/
Interesting! What drives me towards financial independence are both personal ( as in for myself ) and family motivations. But I am a woman , which may or may not be a factor. This is me, and I am not you. I respect and appreciate your honest opinions. And wholeheartedly agree, we have to let people be who they are. Like yourself, I have found this works out best.
I’m trying to both celebrate my family as well as give them space.
Do you have Grandkids?
There’s a reason they call them GRANDkids, and not anything else. if not, let us know when if anything changes when you do. I’ve found that while we have a driving goal at any particular moment, our earthly desires changes over time.
Don’t take this the wrong way. You mention letting family grow, have space etc. It’s a lot of fun for me to watch the little ones develop, grow, and become their own person.
Like I tell my wife, life isn’t digital. There are frequently more than one reason for everything. Grandkids are important to me right now. But so are friends, so is hunting, being outdoors, camping, etc.
I guess if I had to nail it down to one thing, it would be freedom. Freedom to do whatever I feel like doing at the particular time. But camping at deer camp, with my grandkids and friends would be high on my list. Having control over my time and how I spend it pretty much would align with my reasons for FI.
I think we are aloud to have many whys.
You are making me reflect on my decision not to have kids. We came close to starting a family when I was about 2 years into my Engineering career. Because of the way I paid for college by first being an X-ray tech, I was already close to 30. Long story short, I knew that my career wasn’t easily done part-time. I remember I had a colleague whose wife just quit to raise their newborn, and he commented that she was sacrificing her own career for the future of her kids. I wondered if this chain ever ends for women, or if any one of those women along the way ARE the purpose of the chain of sacrifice. I know this sounds selfish, but I decided that end of of the chain would be me. I hope I’m making my life worthy.
I think even with kids you have to develop a sense of why that isn’t solely about them.
My tactic was to create an environment for each family member. My wife quit her “career” because she wanted to. She was a medical professional with a private practice she built. She wanted kids and to use her time raise them. She also managed our lives and kept track of the P’s n Q’s. That was her endeavor. I made enough money to accommodate that desire, since all you need is enough for some hamburgers and a roof. I enjoyed practicing medicine, running my business and investing. I took care of seeing to it the superstructure and security of our lives was achieved. I built the shelves she filled the shelves with meaning. My kids are adopted orphans and after experiencing “public education” we decided on home schooling through an institute that taught the great books. For each kid therefore we could and did customize the space in which they grew according to their skills, interests and needs. If my wife had not done what she wanted we would have been enslaved to the tyranny of public education. Probably cost me 1.5-2M, and that’s the point. What I bought is the life we wanted to live, in a a place I wanted to live and I have the kids I wanted to have and a successful marriage. I didn’t create “them”, I merely created a bounded safe reality where each of them could prosper. Those boundaries also limited my control, and my need to control. Instead they experienced ever expanding freedom as they grew into the responsibility of adulthood.
My 22 yo flew in from Kansas last night. I offered her some money to go buy a few Christmas presents. She told me she had her own money. The payoff is very sweet.
Yes. It sounds like you gave them space to be who they needed to be.
Fascinating, Doc! I’m so passionate about this topic that I have to comment. So it seems that going to half retirement certainly has had a positive effect on your family according to your last article. However, here you note that you made time for your family even in the midst of a demanding career. I say well done. That is not easy and certainly requires some type of sacrifice and if I were a betting woman, I bet it was your sleep that lost.
I agree 100% agree that everyone needs to develop their own purpose and identity.
I don’t have a husband of offspring so I cannot say my family is my why. I mean I do have parents, siblings, nieces & nephews but none of which would benefit from my full-time presence. However, if one of them were to fall on hard times, I’d be there and it could become my why.
Serving & teaching others is my why. Additionally, it’s my purpose. I do it now but I know that achieving financial independence will allow me to do it in a greater capacity.
Serving and teaching are noble activities and I think you are already fulfilling that purpose. Happy holidays!