Bringing My Family Down
Bringing My Family Down
There is no question that I have already experienced innumerable benefits of my half retirement. I am living a more healthy life that is better aligned with my sense of purpose and identity. This is, in fact, the exact reason why financial independence is a superpower. It is the freedom to remove the shackles that bind. While this improvement was fully expected, there was an angle that hadn’t even crossed my mind. It appears that my job was not only causing me consternation but also bringing my family down.
I am both pleased and a touch ashamed of this fact. It was only after my schedule changed that I realized the constant stress of being a doctor was not only affecting me. It was also affecting my wife and kids.
Here’s how things have changed.
Life Stress
My wife has always been very supportive of my career. We have been together since medical school, and she has been an active participant in the voyage. So it is unsurprising that the toll my job was taking on our lives was not fully appreciated. It simply snuck up on us.
I have oft complained about how sleep deprivation is a necessary sacrifice of the medical profession. But it wasn’t only my cross to bear, my wife was suffering right along with me. She was being woken up in the middle of the night each time my phone went off. She was being disturbed early every morning as I got up to go to work.
It has been weeks now and neither of us have had a single mishap call after hours. We are both sleeping much better.
And it’s not only sleep. She had to deal with my unpredictable schedule, panicky moods, and the stress of the continuous barrage of daytime phone calls. Every time we went for a walk, I was ducking into a corner to return a text. Or slipping out of a party to direct patient care.
The stress has only became apparent now that it is gone. I was bringing my family down.
Impending Catastrophe
It was not just my wife but also the kids. Everyday was filled with phone calls concerning impending catastrophe. How many times did my children hear me tell a family member that their loved ones were going to die? How many conversations did they stumble upon their father talking about bleeding out, or respiratory failure, or an infected wound?
My words impacted them. They heard the tenor of my voice, witnessed the anxiety in my gait, breathed the foul stink of fear. I brought all this to them. Not infrequently. Day after day, and week after week.
I was bringing my family down. Causing more stress than necessary. Imposing my fight or flight lifestyle on the leisurely life of children.
A few weeks out, I can already see the difference. They no longer have to ask uncomfortable questions about whether m patient is dying. I no longer see them wince when I answer the phone.
Getting Together?
I have several family members that live close to us. We make a point of sitting down for meals or leisurely Sunday gatherings. It is the time to be with our extended family, and allow the kids to play with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.
We dutifully attended these events as often as we could. But I wasn’t always there. Sure I was physically. Mentally, however, I was managing that patient in the ICU or fielding questions from the nursing facilities.
Rushing out of the room to answer a page or repeatedly staring down at texts is no way to cement familial bonds. I was bringing my family down. Even distant relations.
Final Thoughts
It is only since half retirement that I have realized how much stress my job was causing my loved ones. I was bringing my family down. Every pain I suffered impacted them also.
I am not proud of this fact, but am happy that we have all benefited from my plan B. I realize that I cannot change the past.
This job was difficult and time consuming.
How could I have thought that it wouldn’t have an impact on those who love me?
It takes a big person to be introspective on this tough topic and to admit what you just did. I often think my wife and kids should have been the ones standing on stages receiving diplomas and awards. They have sacrificed just as much as I have.
There is also a stake driven between many physicians and family members because our family often cannot understand all the medical language and situations that frustrate us (which is why when two medical people get together the job is all they talk about… Just like my teacher wife when she gets around teachers).
Thanks for being open and honest, Doc G.
I like what you said about families standing up at graduation. They bear a heavy load that comes with the diploma.
Sounds like you’re on call all the time. That kind of obligation is clearly in compatible with a successful family life. Glad you realized it.
I was on call 24/7 for the last decade.
A physician’s life is oft out of synch with their family’s individual and congregated lives. Nights, weekends, & holidays are not sacrosanct. The frredoms they enjoy with reguard to rythmic downtime enjoyed by the masses impacts our lives as well.
It’s definitely a unique job.
Although I worked in Engineering rather than medicine, I had a similar experience when I quit my job. I had a Blackberry back then and would answer it 24/7, which happened middle of the night as our customers were in Scotland. With the long hours and commute, I was rarely home. When I quit 8 years ago, my husband still worked for 3 more years, yet he felt almost like he had half retired. I was not only home, but not stressed. It was almost like my focus to work never ended. Even when I was there I was gone. This is a huge reason in the “Why of FI”.
This is exactly what I am feeling now. Work for my wife has become easier.
As a plant manager of a large complex I was always on call even to the point of leaving my daughter with friends in a darkened event room with a tornado on the ground nearby. I had to respond to my plant which had just been hit by the same twister. I knew it was out of the area already but it did unnerve her a little. While I felt the same stress relief upon retiring early I do not think my kids or wife suffered much from side effects. They just grew to understand that keeping my work family safe was important because they had families to go home to also. I think the lesson that a parent who is faithful to his work commitments teaches is that work is more than having a job, it is being dedicated and sacrificial at times. Any job that doesn’t require that is probably not a meaningful career. I think the very fact I loved my job more than offset any negative overflow of stress to them. The last thing I wanted was to raise adults who would not give 100% in their future careers and go way beyond normal commitment when it was appropriate. Yes I missed some family events, but I also provided my parents and children with someone they were very proud of. And my 8 minute commute left me many extra hours with my family that city dwellers lost commuting. I would not change things if I had a mulligan, It was good for my kids to see that others relied on me and that what I did mattered. Just like your career sacrifices mattered greatly. You are being too tough on yourself here I think.
Quite possible. I am not meaning to discount all the good things that came from my job for our family.
When I retired form medicine I learned a lot of things I didn’t realize were happening while I was working. I wrote an article about that you can see here:
https://drcorysfawcett.com/what-i-learned-in-the-first-six-months-of-retirement/
#2 on the list in that article was realizing that I suffered from chronic sleep deprivation when I was working as a general surgeon. I thought I was just not a morning person. Always wanting to sleep in on Saturday and having trouble getting going in the morning. After a couple of months of good sleep, I was waking up at 6:30am without an alarm and ready to go. Now I almost always get up before my wife if there is no alarm going off, and the reverse was true when I was working. Being on call takes a toll in your life and your family’s life that you will not appreciate until it goes away. My wife also says I’m a lot nicer when I’m not on call. I think that is the effect of sleep deprivation.
Cr. Cory S. Fawcett
Prescription for Financial Success
The amazing thing is you only realize how profound the effect of these things are until they are gone.
All time travel is future directed, you and yours can recover. You know too well the consequence of not stepping into a different river before it’s too late. Great insight.
Thanks. I feel lucky that I have the freedom to have this insight and still afford my hamburgers too.
Seems to me that you made an incredibly wise choice with half retirement. Not only have you created a workable situation for the continuation of the work that you love doing ; You’ve also made room for more joy and family time, in your life. Essentially you’ve just created a new life for yourself! Outstanding!! Think I may have to do the same!
I think once you understand the power of financial independence, these life tweeks become a regular preoccupation.