What To Say

I get one question asked to me over and over again.  Even in the personal finance world.  I get asked on the blog.  I get asked when I am a guest on podcasts.  The minute someone hears that I work in the hospice field, their mind starts to turn.  The reason why is because we have all faced loss at some point in our lives.  Maybe a friend or a family member.  Yet, it is not the loss that scares people.  It is interacting with someone else who has just suffered the death of a loved one.  What to say?  What do you say when someone suffers the ultimate grief.

This blog post will have nothing to do with personal finance, but it will have everything to do with life.  I have thought deeply about this question and after watching countless patients and family members die, here is my accrued wisdom.

It’s Not About You

Often the reason we stumble about what to say In the face of loss is that we make it about ourselves.  When faced with a grieving friend or family member, we get nervous and start to worry that we are going to say the wrong thing or look foolish.  So our mind spins and comes up with fairly insensitive platitudes that make us feel better, but often do nothing for the person who is grieving.

It’s better this way.

At least she didn’t suffer.

You can always get pregnant again.

God has called him home

We further add to this insensitivity by trying to act without knowing what the person needs from us.  Some will become aggressive and pushy about helping the mourner by doing things for them.  Others will convince themselves that the grieving person wants space, and then will disappear or fade into the background.

The reasons these words and actions fail is because they are centered on the needs of the comforter and ignore the comfortee.  This is totally understandable because every person responds to grief differently.  Some will need words and encouragement while others will want to be left alone.

How the heck are we supposed to know?

I think there is a better way.

If Not A Loved One

If you are trying to comfort a friend who you are not close to or is not a loved one,  the question of what to say is easily answered.

I’m sorry and I am here.  

Simple and to the point.  I am sorry you are in pain and I am here if you need something from me.  No expectations.  No compulsion for the grieving person to act.  You have no idea what this mourning person needs from you, and so this neutral but caring response will give them the option of either engaging or pulling away.

Then you stand there.  For maybe a minute or two.  If the person wants you to stay, they will engage you in conversation or at least make eye contact.  There is a possibility they will want to be left alone and will walk away or act like you are not there.

If they engage you, great.  In case they don’t, gently place your hand on their shoulder, give a hug if you feel comfortable, and then walk away.

If A Loved One

The principle is exactly the same.  What to say is pretty straightforward.

I’m sorry and I love you.

Again, you have no idea what this person needs from you, if anything.  And everybody is different.  With this simple statement you let them know that you are hurting for them too.  That you are there if they need you.  That you will continue to love them in the midst of this horrible loss.

Then you stand there.  Maybe 3-4 minutes.  A little longer than you would for someone who you are not as close to.  After a while, if they do not engage you, give them a big hug and than move to the periphery of the room and look sad like everybody else.

And That’s It

There is no complex formula.  No Jedi mind trick or perfect soliloquy that will make things better.  This person has already suffered the ultimate loss.  The only thing you can do by bumbling around is make things worser.  Don’t make things worse.  Say something simple, straight forward, and supportive.  Then get the hell out of the  way and let the mourner take the lead in how they want to interact with you.

As days and weeks go by, check back in.  Make a short phone call or write a note.  Say similar things.

Are You OK?  I’m sorry.  I am here.  I love you.