Success Is not the Best End Game
Success is not the Best End Game
I wasn’t going to write this post. Waking up this morning, my list of possible blog topics was taking me in a completely different direction. But then I heard on NPR while driving to work that Anthony Bourdain died. He took his own life. What the heck is going on? Why are we losing all our creatives? Bourdain, Kate Spade, Avicii. Sadly, that’s just recently. The loss from both drugs and suicide is devastating. And these are the people we know about. The famous people. Like the canary in the coal mine, I wonder if creatives, sensitive and unique, are just the beginning signs of something thoroughly wrong in society today. Is it social media? The screens?
It’s easy to understand when an individual riddled by failure and loss decides to make such a drastic decision. Yet today, as many days, we mourn the passing of the ultra successful. Striving toward the top of the mountain and overcoming unimaginable odds should be breathtaking. Figuratively, not literally.
Yet here we are. Standing on the cliff staring down the edge of the abyss. The questions come fast and the answers are sparse. For me, I and becoming more and more convinced of one thing.
Success is not the best end game.
An Ode To Failure
I write often about failure. Whether making poor decisions or using catchy terms like failing forward, there is a certain glamour afforded on this blog and in the financial independence community. We like failure. We feel comfortable with it. In fact, we have turned it from a full stop phenomenon to one that implies motion. Momentum.
The glory in failure is that it provides nowhere to go, but up. Even if incrementally. When stuck at the bottom of the pit, you can’t get any lower. So you might as well flop and struggle. You might as well give it the old college try. The worst that can happen is that you will end in the exact same place that you started.
On the other hand, success, success is not the best end game. Success carries much more risk and doubt. Reaching towards it can be so much more empty. One can only fall after attaining great heights.
So why do we do it?
The “Once I Have” Syndrome
There is no greater argument that success is not the best end game than the once I have syndrome. Success no longer feels like winning once you arrive. We have all dreamed about what we can accomplish once we have a certain object, or skill, or title. Yet, time and again, we find that the journey changes us. Our brains are elastic enough to adapt to the reality of the once quested for prize, and we lose the newness of achievement almost immediately. It’s hedonic adaption in it’s most insidious form.
And success is the hedonism.
A commenter asked me what success means in regards to my blog. When I started, my goals were clear.
I’ll be successful when I have a hundred page views a day.
I’ll be successful when I get my first sponsor.
Months later, I have far surpassed these goals and do I feel any closer to success?
Not really.
Doubling Down
A great quality for a young person at the beginning of their career or starting a new business venture. After the sweet taste of success, what better way to skyrocket productivity than pushing even harder? But what happens when you are established and have already accomplished everything? An individual then has two choices. One must either double down or come to the conclusion that success is not the best end game.
I wonder if Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were exhausted from continuously doubling down?
Final Thoughts
I think that the success/failure dichotomy is outdated. Most of us live somewhere in the grey between. We move the needle forward in increments. While certainly failure can be a great motivator and catch phrase, I’m really starting to believe that our idea of success is detrimental.
We’ve lost many great people over the last few months. The famous ones, at least, are teaching us a lesson. Success is not enough.
It has never been.
The other thing is, define success. Success looks different for everyone. We view these celebs as successful but do they?
Great point. “Success” like “failure” mean completely different things to different people. Maybe a great reason why success is not the best end game in the first place.
I think people often move the goal posts once they achieve success, like you’ve done with your blog 🙂 Maybe that’s called “success inflation”.
“Success Inflation”. I love that. With the blog, however, sometimes it feels like “Success Stagnation”!
I am saddened by the recent losses that turn up in the headlines. And feel that Success is a myth. Illusive and ever changing. We can achieve material wealth, consider ourselves successful , but that doesn’t mean that we are happy.
Success and happiness are at best, unrelated. At worse, success could have a negative impact.
Success…it gets really deep to just ask what is success? Who exactly defines success? What provides happiness? What is universal to all vs. individual choices? How does the power of perception and prior life experiences shape happiness?
It’s sad to see the two recent celebrity suicides, by all societal definitions, they were successful, but then there was still something amiss..
Thanks for posting doc
My fear is that today’s version of “success” can actually drive anxiety and depression.
Standardization conformity institutions demand sameness so individuality is crushed. No screen saver allowed on that work computer. Never be too outspoken. Go with the flow. Dummy down. It deadens the soul. Look at the age group with the highest suicide rates.
I agree Genine. Lots of homogenization today. Makes unhappy people.
Most people when they here a celebrity take their life often wonder why would they do that. They have achieved success, fame, and fortune. I guess with these celebrity suicides it shows that apparently that’s not makes someone happy
Success isn’t enough. There is much more. I imagine being a celeb is lonely. Even with all those people around you.
My aunt committed suicide when I was in Anesthesia residency. She was like an older sister to me. It was devastating. I think life just became too overwhelming for her and she felt like a burden even though that was nowhere close to being true.
That’s the hard part. Logic doesn’t matter when you are at the bottom of the pit. A way out could be staring you in the face, but you can’t see it without hope or light.
This is one of the biggest reasons I write about wellness on my blog.
Thanks for touching on a really important topic.
TPP
Man, I’m sorry to hear about your aunt! It’s so hard how to know how to help people/ourselves avoid those pits.
Thanks, Doc G.
It really is hard to know how to help. Life is a complicated and messy thing. I don’t pretend to have all (or any?) of the answers… I do know awareness is almost always the first step.
And that’s exactly what you are doing!
TPP
I was rocked by the pair of suicides this week, especially Anthony Bourdain’s because I am a fan. I’ve come to believe that success is a myth. When we normal proletariats see these icons, we think they have everything in the world. Fame, fortune, friends, and family. If these people who seemingly have perfect lives can’t be happy, what chances do we have? Mental illness certainly plays a role. But success is not the end game. It won’t bring you a complete, fulfilling life.
The success myth is alive and kicking. And people keep dying.
Success has very little to do with being content. That’s why we all must learn to live in the here and now and be content with what we have. If you aren’t content now with having little, having fame and fortune won’t change that.
How depressing is that, though. You think that if you just get to point “x” or achieve “y” it’ll make you happy. When you get there and find it’s not true, you feel duped and hopeless. When your brain is Ill at the same time, that makes for a really bad combination.
We were on a hike a month ago and came upon a large group of police, as a man had hanged himself from a tree along the trail. Hikers coming the other direction first discovered him and we were the first arriving in the opposite direction. He was still there, and we were asked not to take pictures (not what we were thinking). It affected our whole hike, contemplating various reasons people suffer depression to a point of no return. I don’t have an answer, but I believe cultivating the “beginner’s mind”, trying new things, helps.
That experience sounds horrible. To see life with the beginners mind is so important. Especially as regards empathy. On my other blog I wrote how doctors need to view things sometimes like the novice. Same concept.
Success in life is different than success in business. Success in life is not measured in dollars.
Dr. Cory S. Fawcett
Prescription for Financial Success
Well said. Even success in business can be measured in other ways.
Bill Bernstein has a graph in one of his books that shows a concept called Human Capital. Human Capital is the all energy and endeavor we are born with and we use to create our lives. You start with a massive amount and over time your Human Capital goes to zero. It points directly into the ground. As the graph tails down you realize over time you have less and less. What happens if you run out of Human Capital but you’re still the battery powering the star making machinery you built out of your life? Do not be confused being a success is all about powering a machine. When you’re out of juice how do you act? When you’ve stayed too long how do you get out before the machine consumes you, because consume you it will. As your Human Capital tails into the dirt it takes more and more of your effort to power the machine. I think that’s the issue to ponder. When I retired it is this question I answered. I looked at my SS medicare wages and my lifetime earnings and understood I couldn’t afford to NOT RETIRE. Every day I worked was just increasing my liability. I had already made all the money. A little bit more would make no more difference. You can retire too early and over decades suffer catastrophic failure. You can wait too long and realize something even more catastrophic. This is why I don’t do side gigs or write a blog. I have enough, actually more than enough.
So it seems like a lot of these celebs couldn’t get out of the limelight when they should have. Why exactly could you not afford to retire when you did?
I looked at my total earnings by adding up my Medicare wages in an excel sheet. I subtracted what I had in my portfolio. What was left was what I had spent on my life. I had much more in the bank than what I had spent not including property and SS. I knew exactly what my life felt like since I lived it, so there was no mystery in what it would be like if I quit. I had funded a house, cars, 2 college educations, trips, my portfolio etc over my life. My working life spanned 49 years from my first W2. I’m an anesthesiologist. Things don’t go wrong often but when they do it’s a doozey. So I decided there was no future in continuing to work. A little bit more excess money wouldn’t change a thing. I wasn’t going to live another 49 years. The risk therefore far outweighed the reward so I got some health care together for me and my family and 2 months later I was gone. The above human capital argument therefore is based on my experience. I no longer power a machine, I live a stress free life, and life is good.
The exercise looking at Medicare wages is a good one. You seem
Mentally in the right place also.
I’m watching his show this morning, parts unknown, and he was such an amazing story teller. He described thins so vividly and really had you lost in his world for moment. It’s really sad to see how things ended up.
My takeaway is that money is never the problem, for any of us. There is so much of it out there, most people just don’t know how to get it. But when we finally get it, this thing we have been striving for all our lives… we realize we are no happier.
We have to find something greater that keeps us going. I wrote a post about finding your purpose, you can check it out here if you have a minute https://halflifetheory.com/answer-these-10-questions-to-discover-your-lifes-purpose/
Ha! I was reading and commenting on your post while you were writing this! He was such a great story teller…wasn’t he?
So… if success is not the end game, then what is? And if success is not enough, what is enough? Great post, but so many unanswered questions.
Enough and success are connection, love, purpose…
I am a Marriage and Family Therapist employed in a large hospital in a HCOL area. I specialize in Addiction Medicine and treat people with Dual DX Disorders (Depression, Anxiety, Bi Polar Disorder). I have treated wealthy people, celebrities and people of humble means. Instead of trying to define “success” we should be focusing on the real issue: mental illness. Depression is not a choice and no amount of money or professional success can cure it. If someone had a broken leg, we would not question why he had to stop running a marathon. Mental health is one of the most important factors in defining success. Sadly, our society is riddled with chronic stress and many people experience feelings of profound isolation. Unfortunately mental illness and addiction continue to be stigmas in our society and many people do not reach out for help.
Very well said. Mental health is a huge component of “success” and certainly it’s absence is a major barrier.
I have never cared about success but have achieved it without realizing it. (Being a doctor and achieving FI). I simply focused on the minimum and the maximum I would ever need and want. Whenever I do those thought exercises, I always come back to my relationships and my health. Neither of these require a lot of money.
I keep saying, money is a side effect when you live your life a certain way. It was never the goal. I was happy when I was broke, I was happy working and I was happy not working.
I think it’s because my bar for happiness is really really low. It’s more based on not having bad stuff happen rather than needing excellent things to happen. Hope that makes sense.
I have always had very low expectations and thus I kept meeting them and beyond!
Odd I realize but it does make it easier for me to be happy consistently.
Success for my blog is to keep blogging beyond the one year mark since I heard many people stop after 3-6 months. And that’s it. 👍
This…
I think it’s because my bar for happiness is really really low.
Is very healthy!
Such a great post , i read carefully and get awesome tips from you , thank you for sharing
and this topic is really great success is not the best end game
🙂
Success shouldnt be the goal, peace should. And it needs to come from inside. Peace is within you. As long as we continue to measure success by external meausres it will always be fleeting ans not enough. But when you can be at peace with who you are then you can take that with you anywhere. Go inside not out. Thank you for sharing, just discovered your blog.
Hey Grant. You make a great point. Inner peace is the goal. I think we try to use “success” and even financial Independence to get somewhere it can’t take us.
How about the commercial with the 70ish couple selling their life insurance policy to cover their medical bills? Downright depressing.
Maybe Neil Young is right. Better to burn out than fade away.
Very true, don’t want to go out that way.