The Once I Have Syndrome

There was once a little boy who looked longingly at the immense, vast world and wondered about all its uncertainty.  Like most young children, he wanted nothing more than to be just like everyone else.  But the cards were stacked against him.  He struggled even in the earliest years of schooling, and was hampered by a learning disability.  He often thought quietly to himself: Once I Have better grades.  The problem with the “once I have” syndrome is that the rejoinder to the phrase often loses meaning.

Once I have better grades…

Life will be perfect.

All my dreams will come true.

I’ll finally meet my goals.

I will be just like everyone else.

Yet long after he had toppled his learning disability, life was not perfect.  Dreams were still vivid and distant.  Goals seemed as unreachable as ever.

And regrettably, he was not just like everyone else

Of Brains and Braun

Within a few years, the little boy was not so little anymore.   With his education on more stable footing, he turned from the inward to the outward.  He marveled at his scrawny muscles and his flabby abdominals.  A young high school lad, he started to spend afternoons in the school gym.  The once I have syndrome could only hibernate so long.

Once I have muscles…

The other kids won’t pick on me.

I’ll like the way I look in the mirror.

I’ll be strong and confident.

Years of building biceps and pecs definitely had a positive effect.  But, from time to time, he had to steer clear from the kids who liked to pick on him.   He was no more happy with his appearance than when he started.  While he may have been more strong, his confidence was still in need of a booster.

Girls

What was next for the little boy, then teenager, now college kid who had academics taken care of and hid at the gym in his free time?  Love, of course.  What young man does not want to find love?  He looked out across his gangly college campus and wondered if that special someone existed.  That someone who might just quench the once I have syndrome.

Once I have a girlfriend...

I will feel less lonely.

I will be lovable.

I will love myself.

Relationships came and went.  And sometimes he did feel less lonely.  Until they left.  There was no denying that he was lovable.  He had to look no further than his own family to know that.  But he wasn’t yet ready to truly love himself.

Medical School

The once I have syndrome is no less apparent than when forging one’s path in a perspective career.  The little boy, who became a teenager, who went to college, who was sometimes lucky in love, decided to become a doctor.  And he studied endless days and nights, drinking from the fire hose of knowledge and taking in secrets with every last gulp.

Once I have my medical degree...

I will save lives.

I will be grownup.

I will no longer have anything else to learn.

His medical degree in hand, his residency over, he started the great journey.  His training had taught him that most of doctoring had nothing to do with saving lives.  Sometimes he felt helpless in the face of illness and injury.  He was grownup, but no more in control of the hapless world around him.  And there was always so much more to learn.

Financial Independence

The little boy turned teenager, graduated college student, and now doctor saw financial independence as the last frontier.  He survived his learning disability.  Built a strong body and mind.  Fell in love and married and had children.  He became a doctor and learned that medicine, far from nirvana, was difficult and painful.  That he both loved and despised his work.

Once I have become financially independent…

I will never worry about money again.

I will quit work.

I will have enough.

Millions of dollars later, I still worry about money.  I haven’t quit work.  And I have no idea what enough really means.

It Would Be Easy

It would be easy to draw conclusions from this parable.  To talk about the negativity of the once I have syndrome.  To recite platitudes about being content at all stages of development.

But that’s not how I feel at all.  The truth is much more complicated.

The joy of striving cannot be underestimated.  The dry mouth of unfulfilled dreams yearns to be quenched.

For better or worse.

Most every great achievement I have accomplished has started with those simple words.

Once I have.

(A special thanks to Millionaire Doc whose comment on one of my posts inspired this rant.  Check him out here.)