The Money Mind Meld
The Money Mind Meld
Financial independence didn’t come easy to me. Although the actual fiscal transition was quite by accident, the emotional awakening was anything but smooth. Upon making the earth shattering discovery that I was financially free, a new and unexpected dread creeped into the periphery of my psyche. As the days passed, I stumbled into a full-blown depression. At first, the reasons were quite unclear. With time, I realize that we all fall into the trap of the money mind meld.
What the heck is the money mind meld?
Thoughts, concerns, and fears about money play a large role in most of our lives. Often we think of the destructive influence such worries play in our moment to moment existence. There is, however, also a protective function.
When you concentrate on the big audacious goal of financial independence, it allows you to push other personal issues to the side. You become so fixated on the top of the mountain that all else becomes peripheral.
Financial Independence and Depression
I have started to peruse Reddit from time to time. The other day, I was particularly taken by a post by a gentleman who seemingly has nothing to complain about. His debt is paid off. He and his wife have stable, long term W2 employment. All investments are on autopilot, and the road to FI is in clear sight.
And he is miserable. He has lost interest in not only money but also hobbies, friendships, and is having a hard time deciding whether to get up each morning.
In his much ballyhooed Reddit post, he describes his struggle to understand the sadness in light of how well his life is going.
I was appalled at how little understanding he gleaned from his fellow commenters. There was definitely a feeling that he should just quit complaining and enjoy life.
In my opinion, his reaction is completely rational when viewed in light of the money mind meld.
When financial concerns are removed from the looking-glass, the mirror of financial independence not only reflects back but also magnifies all the inadequacies and fears that are left over.
Purpose
It is awfully easy to convince yourself that financial independence is the driving purpose in life. Between frugal life hacks, budgeting, spread sheeting, blog reading, and tracking investments, one can spend years engrossed. There are so many smaller goals and landmarks that keep us engaged along the way.
Side projects and side hustles abound too. We become obsessed with this idea of optimizing our lives as well as our income streams.
Reaching the magic number is gratifying. But it also is somewhat vertiginous.
What now? What larger purpose do I fulfill?
While rest, relaxation, and travel are great for a while. Eventually, one has to dig into the grit of existence. Now that the money mind meld doesn’t consume us, what does becoming our best self look like?
Identity
We derive a sense of identity from our goals and aspirations. For some, this is innately tied to the W2 hustle. My profession as a physician is deeply ingrained into my being.
For those not so enamored by the 9 to 5, often striving toward financial independence becomes a part of that identity. Often new connections and friendships, whether in real life or online, are formed on the basis of this striving.
Financial independence can shatter both of these identities.
Even if a profession is not abandoned, some of the purpose behind showing up for work every day disappears when it is no longer necessary.
That wonderful feeling of striving, of reaching toward a lofty goal, holds less meaning when the finances are on autopilot and freedom is just a matter of time and compounding.
Connection
Most of us have become supreme stealth wealth practitioners. But there is a dark side of stealth wealth. Loneliness. After reaching the top of the mountain and retiring, it is not uncommon to find that our real life friends are few. That we have held back a large, important aspect of our life and that our connections are not as strong as we hoped.
What happens when you are finally done talking about side hustles, frugality, and investments and look around to see that there is no one to discuss the other joys of life with.
In Conclusion
In many ways, the money mind meld takes our eye off the ball. It creates an existence with a narrow focus that while creating financially responsible adults, often neglects our deeper purpose and needs.
Becoming Financially independent breaks through the fog of the money mind meld.
It’s no wonder it causes many to feel lost and disjointed.
The daunting work of building a life now lays ahead.
Great Post! I think that’s why many have started suggesting finding a passion that sets you on fire. While i still have a ways to go before u hit FIRE, and that’s definitely my lofty goal at the moment. I have greater goals i have set my eyes on for after i hit FI. I think it’s a great idea for people to start to plan out what else they what to do in life. How do you want to be remembered? What legacy do you want to leave behind?
Thought provoking post Doc!
There is no time like the present to start being your best self. Or at least closer.
It essentially is the same principal that FIRE followers say that you need to have something to retire TO not from.
I kind of worried a bit myself notlw that FI is rapidly approaching (if not already there) about what to do when I reach the goal post.
Sure I planned to travel more but that can only take up so much of the year.
That’s why I am incredibly thankful about starting my blog. It actually has given me a sense of purpose, is highly enjoyable, and provides a creative outlet. Plus it really can keep me busy as it requires a lot of reading, thinking, and then writing.
Hopefully it becomes a success where I am motivated to continue for years and years.
That first week of my blog was rough as after the initial mention from white coat which had resulted in an amazing amount of traffic it essentially went down to single digit daily page views. I wondered why should I continue if really no one is reading it.
Fortunately I persevered and word spread and now I’m part of an amazing community
It’s an interesting idea that blogging can fill the void. Certainly for me, writing is a definite passion.
Hey XRV,
I think FI for you is about control. It is redemption after what you have been through. So the blog is a good thing but your reason for FI comes through very clearly.
All this FIRE stuff is something some of us did well before anyone put a name on it. It is entertaining but seriously the concept is simple.
Live your life how you want. The money hopefully is a side effect.
Redemption. Interesting! Maybe self value? Thanks for the great comment.
That actually is great insight. Definitely it allows me to tell my redemption story and hopefully one day my daughter can see the stuff I went through and make sense of it all when she’s an adult.
Money can never solve a spiritual problem. Sometimes it is abject poverty that drives us to understand the meaning of our lives, and sometimes it is abject wealth.
Very true. Spiritual issues transcend money. Money, however, sometime gives us a reason to ignore them and let fester.
I was lucky to stumble into the book “How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free” by Ernie J. Zelinski. I found it during my last few years of work, and I actually used to keep it on the passenger seat of my car, and laughed inside wondering if my boss or coworkers ever noticed it when walking by. In the book, he really takes you through the actual planning for retirement, not the money, but the life. I found it to be really helpful.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll check that one out!
That’s hard to imagine for me, but I guess it happens to some people. You have a huge goal and once you’ve achieved it, there is nothing to keep working on. The way to mitigate that is to always have something waiting in the wing. We’re FI and life is great for us, but it will keep improving. We have a lot of stuff we’re working on. Here is a short list – my wife’s early retirement, raise our kid, RTW travel, consolidate rental properties, take care of parents, live in Thailand, etc… Financial independence shouldn’t be the only goal in life. Think of it like graduating from college. It’s great, but you have more to do.
I agree, a good list of other stuff to keep you busy and engaged is important.
I totally concur. Financial independence should never be the driving purpose in life.
Instead, it should be viewed as a tool to achieve your purpose / passion / raison d’être.
Blog post of the future: “finical independence is a tool, and so are you” (ha!).
Fascinating analysis.
Zen comes from a word “Mushin” Which means “no mindedness” To achieve Zen you only have to “be”. You have not to “do” If you want to become a “human being” you must remit your “human doing” as payment. American society is “being” poor. We are exceeding wealthy in “doing”. We are so good at doing we burn out and commit suicide. Many other societies are less concerned with doing, and all though far poorer are sometimes far richer in terms of community and identity. I am not a Doctor even, though hold the title and licensing credentials. Doctoring is what I did (as in doing). Now that I’m retired I’m completely at peace with no longer claiming my physician-hood except as a history.
My favorite philosopher is a man who lived in Ephesus (western Turkey) in 539 bc. An ancient pre-Socratic philosopher. His philosophy was based on the universe being in a state of change while seemingly being in a state of constancy, like opposites joined by a single cord. His name is Heraclitus and his philosophy comes to us as fragments not a fully formed treatise. One fragment is “you cannot step in the same river twice”. This in fact is reality. We are always hurtling into the future (isn’t that a Steve Miller song?). That is the dilemma. Our take on reality is it is basically static and predictable, but reality is not static and predictable. Static predictability is in fact delusional. Human “being” is present tense. It is neither past or future directed, but to be human you must let the current of the river of life carry you forward and be prepared embrace what experience it produces. The river has no rearward movement and it’s pointless to cling to what becomes an illusion or mere memory once it passes. I once was a Doctor now I’m not. You can have 58 trips planned and one cancer diagnosis will kick your ass.
“to be human you must let the current of the river of life carry you”
I like that!
Doc G, you summarize a lot of things I’ve been feeling and put it so succinctly into words. The hours of my day are filled with work, taking care of kids, running a household, and blogging. All part of the quest to gain FI. The busyness fills my time well enough, but I do need to think about my life’s purpose and passion when the kids are gone and we are FI. There is an older gentleman who parks himself at our local Starbucks for many hours each and every day, all alone with nothing to do. I don’t want to be that guy. I have my blog, and it’s been great, but I think it’s the human connection and being part of a community I desire the most.
We are lucky to be part of this community, but it needs to be more than just online connection.
Suppose Mr Starbucks is spending his time praying for you because he has the luxury to do so?
I’d tell him to stop praying and whip me up a latte!
I’ve seen this more often then I care to admit. People begin to evaluate themselves based on the money they make or have. It’s a bad road to follow. Money is but a tool to help you fulfill your aspirations. Losing sight of the goal for the tool is a recipe for failure.
I like to say: Don’t confuse your goal post for the post goal plan.
I never got any form of the blues over reaching financial independence . Becoming FI and retiring early never were goals for me. I had career goals and family goals but never any money goals. I knew because we saved, gave and invested well we’d be fine and I never even noticed the first million dollar balance in our accounts. Now as a blogger in this space I track our money but it doesn’t change how I feel if it goes up $100k or down $100k when the market does something unusual. My life is pretty much the same as it was twenty years ago, not spartan or minimalist but value centered and pretty wonderful so far. I never thought about how that could affect people who were really centered on that admirable goal, you always make me think Doc!
I think those who FI was a main focus suffer more than those who were more job/life engaged and got to FI along the way.
Money only buys you happiness until you have your basic needs covered. Aside from that, making more does not equate to more happiness. So this is not necessarily surprising to me. Sometimes we worry too much about our financial or physical health but not too much about our mental health.
Yes our mental and spiritual health.
Doc G, I agree this is very important. I now regularly meditate and reflect. It helps me redirect my path towards FI to ensure I enjoy both the journey and destination.
Meditation seems to be a common thread in being present in ones current place.
Thanks for the insightful post. I left work a year ago and even with plenty of things to do, FI creates a kind of identity crisis. How do you introduce yourself when everybody uses a job title for their identities. I found that FI gives me the luxury of becoming more complex but it makes new social introductions awkward. Even the most challenging job is in a way mind-numbing due its defined focus area.
I think the identity crisis is real and many don’t talk about it. FI is more of a goal post than a goal. Finding post FI meaning is the key. And pursuing it, of course.