Wall of Fear

Wall of Fear

My mother, the accountant, threw out 10 Million.  With 10 million you’ll have nothing to fear.  An I just took it.  Accepted it.  Calculated the number of years, and I was off.  But it didn’t feel right.  So I asked my financial advisor.  A few weeks later and after much information was solicited, I was given 85% chance of my money lasting through retirement.  He went on and on about Monte Carlo and all sorts of other rubbish, and I accepted it. See?  Nothing to fear.   I put my head down and went back to work.  I kept saving, kept investing.  But it didn’t feel right.

The accountant had a number but never really asked about how much I wanted to spend each month.  The financial advisor asked about my spending but refused to consider my investment real estate in the equation.  The confusion swirled and my anxiety and fear increased at a  faster rate than my net worth.

So I went to the internet and found all the web sites that I’m sure you are familiar with.  There I discovered the 4% rule, the 3.5% rule, and 25X.  I calculated and recalculated.  I played around on Firecalc.  My conclusion over and over again was the same. I had nothing to fear.

Enough

I have enough.  Comfortably enough.

But don’t think the journey didn’t change me.  I fired my financial advisor (saved me 18K a year) and moved my investments to Vanguard.  I cancelled my life insurance policy (3k).  My car could be charged at the local dealership (1K plus free coffee).  I became a master of Mint. I signed up for Personal Capital.

My life now optimized, my side hustles in place, I was ready to retire.

Yet, I couldn’t.  It was not that I love being a doctor so much.  I don’t.  It’s something much more sinister.

The wall of fear has overtaken me.  I have scaled a lifetime to reach the top but now am paralyzed by the height. How do I  move forward?

I have become a victim of the what ifs.

The market crashes?

Real estate evaporates?

I can’t find healthcare?

And then the more difficult questions.

Am I anything outside of being a doctor?

What if this is the best it gets?

Will my life have lost meaning?

And my mind turns, the one more year phenomena bursts into my psyche.  Next thing I know I am volunteering for extra shifts, more consulting,  The money piles up.

Maybe I should travel more.

Spend more time with the kids.

Start a blog.

But then I stand atop of the wall and only see a path leading down.  Not up.

I want to keep moving up.