The Once I Have Syndrome

The Once I Have Syndrome

There was once a little boy who looked longingly at the immense, vast world and wondered about all its uncertainty.  Like most young children, he wanted nothing more than to be just like everyone else.  But the cards were stacked against him.  He struggled even in the earliest years of schooling, and was hampered by a learning disability.  He often thought quietly to himself: Once I Have better grades.  The problem with the “once I have” syndrome is that the rejoinder to the phrase often loses meaning.

The "Once I Have" SyndromeOnce I have better grades…

Life will be perfect.

All my dreams will come true.

I’ll finally meet my goals.

I will be just like everyone else.

Yet long after he had toppled his learning disability, life was not perfect.  Dreams were still vivid and distant.  Goals seemed as unreachable as ever.

And regrettably, he was not just like everyone else

Of Brains and Braun

Within a few years, the little boy was not so little anymore.   With his education on more stable footing, he turned from the inward to the outward.  He marveled at his scrawny muscles and his flabby abdominals.  A young high school lad, he started to spend afternoons in the school gym.  The once I have syndrome could only hibernate so long.

Once I have muscles…

The other kids won’t pick on me.

I’ll like the way I look in the mirror.

I’ll be strong and confident.

Years of building biceps and pecs definitely had a positive effect.  But, from time to time, he had to steer clear from the kids who liked to pick on him.   He was no more happy with his appearance than when he started.  While he may have been more strong, his confidence was still in need of a booster.

Girls

What was next for the little boy, then teenager, now college kid who had academics taken care of and hid at the gym in his free time?  Love, of course.  What young man does not want to find love?  He looked out across his gangly college campus and wondered if that special someone existed.  That someone who might just quench the once I have syndrome.

Once I have a girlfriend...

I will feel less lonely.

I will be lovable.

I will love myself.

Relationships came and went.  And sometimes he did feel less lonely.  Until they left.  There was no denying that he was lovable.  He had to look no further than his own family to know that.  But he wasn’t yet ready to truly love himself.

The Once I Have syndromeMedical School

The once I have syndrome is no less apparent than when forging one’s path in a perspective career.  The little boy, who became a teenager, who went to college, who was sometimes lucky in love, decided to become a doctor.  And he studied endless days and nights, drinking from the fire hose of knowledge and taking in secrets with every last gulp.

Once I have my medical degree...

I will save lives.

I will be grownup.

I will no longer have anything else to learn.

His medical degree in hand, his residency over, he started the great journey.  His training had taught him that most of doctoring had nothing to do with saving lives.  Sometimes he felt helpless in the face of illness and injury.  He was grownup, but no more in control of the hapless world around him.  And there was always so much more to learn.

Financial Independence

The little boy turned teenager, graduated college student, and now doctor saw financial independence as the last frontier.  He survived his learning disability.  Built a strong body and mind.  Fell in love and married and had children.  He became a doctor and learned that medicine, far from nirvana, was difficult and painful.  That he both loved and despised his work.

Once I have become financially independent…

I will never worry about money again.

I will quit work.

I will have enough.

Millions of dollars later, I still worry about money.  I haven’t quit work.  And I have no idea what enough really means.

It Would Be Easy

It would be easy to draw conclusions from this parable.  To talk about the negativity of the once I have syndrome.  To recite platitudes about being content at all stages of development.

But that’s not how I feel at all.  The truth is much more complicated.

The joy of striving cannot be underestimated.  The dry mouth of unfulfilled dreams yearns to be quenched.

For better or worse.

Most every great achievement I have accomplished has started with those simple words.

Once I have.

(A special thanks to Millionaire Doc whose comment on one of my posts inspired this rant.  Check him out here.)

Doc G

A doctor who discovered the FI community but still struggling with RE.

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30 Responses

  1. My biggest one was once I have Atari…. it consumed my thoughts as a kid for like 4 years.

    And oh by the way, you have enough doc 😉

    • Doc G says:

      My dad got an Atari when we were little. We waited for like weeks for it to arrive in the mail. It came, and didn’t work. We had to wait to have another delivered. Fond memories.

  2. Thats really interesring, Doc G. I started writing a similarly themed post when I read that comment the other day. It really resonated with me, too.

    Not being content with where you are in life means you’ll likely never be content even “once you have” whatever you were looking for.

    Keep up the good work

    TPP

  3. How do you constantly do this? So good! The story, the writing, and it’s so relateable. Some times we follow the have-do-be model. Saying once i have X, i can finally do Y and ultimately i will be Z (z is usually happy).

    However we find it never works that way, most of us now have or have accomplished things we only dreamed of years ago, and we’ve already forgotten. It’s so important to learn to be happy now, with whatever you have or have accomplished. Keep working to become a better version, but happiness is never found in the future, you have to find it now.

    Looks like that little boy has finally found his way! Great post!

    • Doc G says:

      Thanks for your kind words Half Life. The once I have syndrome is real and can both suck away joy but also bring great meaning and purpose. You ask how I constantly do this…well, once I have a solid career as a writer…

  4. Dr. McFrugal says:

    “The joy of striving cannot be underestimated. The dry mouth of unfulfilled dreams yearns to be quenched.”

    Doc G, you have an amazing way with words.

    I find this post extremely interesting. Here’s why.

    What is the meaning of happiness?

    Looking at wikipedia: Happiness is defined as “positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy”

    The problem is contentment and intense joy can be two totally different things. Contentment implies “being at peace” and “enough”… but may also imply complacency. And complacency does not fit in with the definition of happiness; many would argue that growth (and no complacency) is needed for happiness.

    You mention the “joy of striving”… maybe that should be part of the definition of happiness. The joy of striving for continual growth and development.

  5. Xrayvsn says:

    Wonderfully written post. One of my favorite of yours thus far.

    It’s almost like the hefonic treadmill but with emotions instead.

    It’s akin to the thrill of the chase (whether chasing a girl or other goal). Once you actually capture it the thrill is gone and your mind craves for more stimulus/challenge

    • Doc G says:

      The question is is the thrill of the chase worth the heartache? Is it healthy to always be chasing the once I have syndrome?

  6. Hey Doc G. Well written. This is such a common mindset and one that I continuously fall into. I’m never satisfied or truly happy. There is always something that could be better. In a way it does give us hope for the future, but I try my hardest to not let it rob me of the joy of the present. Thanks for the post

  7. “Once I have” is all about the final destination, but life is about the journey. “Once I have” takes away all the fun you could have had all along the journey. Just get started and you will figure it out along the way. You can’t fine tune something you haven’t started yet.

    Dr. Cory S. Fawcett
    Prescription for Financial Success

  8. Gasem says:

    So when do you have what you need? What is it you need? When can you do what you want? I’ve answered those questions. I have what I need and I do what I want.

    It’s common I thing for people the feel like they need about twice as much as they have. But is that just a feeling or some kind of reality?

    • Doc G says:

      I think you can strive, deal with the “once I have” syndrome, and still also do what you want. In my case…I need to achieve. I want to spend time with my family, take great vacations, etc, etc.

      • Gasem says:

        Then just plan for that. Sit down make a budget for family adventure and fund it. My guess is you’re probably already there.

        I am replacing my air conditioners. I put that money away 2 years ago. The need was obvious the timing was not. I’m Roth converting over 4 years while living off cash to reduce the tax consequence. I put that money conversion money away 5 years ago. My kid just finished college I put 20K in a UGTM 20 years ago and it paid for virtually every expense beyond tuition and housing. Summer abroad, clothes, trips. I had enough left over to buy her a car and get her started debt free which was my goal. 70% of that pile was free money as in interest. We went to EU twice in the last year. The need to achieve tends to evaporate if you’ve already achieved. You can’t plan for everything and the plan may not work perfectly, for example her UGTM was an all stock portfolio that lived through the 2000 crash and 2009. She started school in 2014 finished 2018 and the growth in the last 4 years made the difference. Even if it was a double instead of a triple my retirement cash flow would have been intact. She just would be driving a beater instead of what I got her. I understood the risk.

        My point is what causes the “once I have” anxiety is the dread of loss and not doing it perfectly, and formula like 3% x 33 make that worse because they do not deal with the statistical variance (probability of loss, probability of not doing it perfectly) of life. It’s understanding the risk and believing that risk can be understood, that needs attending, not the acquisition (reward) part. For me the reward part was easy, but risk a tougher tune. Understanding my risk is what has saved my emotional bacon.

  9. JoeHx says:

    I’ve done… had? the “Once I Have” syndrome too much in my life. Once I came to accept what I have and not desperately cling to things that are causing harm, things got a lot better.

  10. Ryan says:

    Awesome post!! At the risk of repeating what the comments above greatly captured as well, it can definitely be a good thing too. The pursuit is definitely my favorite part of any venture. I think you definitely have something worthwhile as well when the part after “once I have” becomes true.

  11. Xrayvsn says:

    Just featured this in my latest grand rounds post: https://xrayvsn.com/2018/06/28/grand-rounds-6-28-18/

  1. January 22, 2019

    […] The incredibly prolific Doc G of DiversiFi addresses that very scenario in his poignant post, “The Once I Have Syndrome.” […]

  2. August 19, 2021

    […] Or what about this?  Once I have enough money in my bank account, I can start doing what I want. No one will be able to tell me what to do!   Doc G calls this the “Once I Have Syndrome.“ […]

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